I'm tired of growing up. I'm tired of “Acting like a big girl”. Im sixteen. Turning seventeen in April. But holy hell, you'd think I was turning twenty by the way my parents are acting. Last time I checked sixteen ended with the term “teen”. Which would make me a.... teenager. Shocking, I know. When you're a teenager you screw up. Hell, when you're human you screw up. It's what we do. In fact, it's our prerogative to screw up. We just let it roll right off our shoulders and learn from it. I.e. - don't do it again. Though, as we all know, there are a few people out there where it takes a few times of hitting your forehead on the keyboard to figure out their eyebrows aren't going to type Shakespeare. But for most, once is enough to get the idea. But when you're grown up everything changes. When you do something that really messed things up.. you reflect on it again and again. You feel guilty. You are aware how you affect other people.
To hell with people.
Shall I give an example? I shall.
So yesterday my step mom was ranting on to my younger step brother about how he's messing up and it's stressing her out. This is about the time I pop into the kitchen for a snack. I inform my step mom that our lives are plenty stressful too, y'know. And she goes on this self-righteous rant about how her problems are more important and my crap is insignificant.
Alright, I will admit right here right now that my life is a hell of a lot easier than some. But does that make my feelings insignificant? School is hella frikkin stressful. And im taking driver's ed at the moment so double the homework and minimize the amount of time to do it. And friends. Love 'um... but they're stressful. It's all stress that we share. But does that mean your stress is more important than the next person's?
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Kid's screwing up = makes parents have stress. Yes. Understandable. Not that that's any extra stress on the kids. Oh no. 'Course not. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Lean in close. Ready?
I hate disappointing my parents. I must be the most straight edge teenager ever. I swear. But I really do hate that face that they make. You all know the one. So I made a little dedication to myself to do everything just a little bit better.
Alright, Im a terrible example of a teenager. Sue me. So Im standing there while my brother's getting ripped a new one and my dad gets in on this too. And he's all “you better not fail one test in driver's ed” to me (Note: I have a “Test” every class day. They're really more like quizzes.) because my brother failed a ton or something. *We go to different schools btw. Normal & driving) In my school you just come in early the next class day and retake the test. No big deal right? To my parents? Unacceptable.
Well it just so happens that I had driver's ed that night.
You see where this train wreak is going yet?
Yep, that's right. Failed my test. First I ever failed there. But it's cool, y'know. Just retaking it tomorrow.
So class ends and I get in the car and my dad does his usual “how was class?” and I tell him that I failed and he gets the “im disappointed in you silence” thing going on. And I just start crying.
Over a dumb test.
(Note: For those who dont personally know me.. I rarely cry. When I do it's out of frustration or tiredness.)
So the moral of this long and confusing story is I'm fucking tired of being grown-up. I dont want to care about how I relate to people. To hell with people.